Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES