Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby