Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.