I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
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I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
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I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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