Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
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I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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