I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
We left an ass print on the piano.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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