I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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