I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
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It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
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You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.