He uses pillows to masturbate.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
