You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will be naked everywhere
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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