does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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