I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
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Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
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My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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