Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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