He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
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On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
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I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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