Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
