I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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