Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Who died my cat blue again?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
