I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize