It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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