Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.