I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
