And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
