The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
