Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
