I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
