What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
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