i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
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I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
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I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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