my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.