I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.