Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.