i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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