if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
