Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
