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Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
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Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
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Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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