just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!