Don't make out with my wife yet
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
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His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.