i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
