I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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