...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
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I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
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So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..