My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
23 People Have Step Parents That Are Younger Than Them
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.