I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
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you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
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Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover