I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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