Don't make out with my wife yet
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
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Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
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I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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