At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.