Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.