Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
