uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
