Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.