hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.