If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
