Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
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