I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
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$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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