He disabled his match.com account in front of me
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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