first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
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Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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