I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
