My hand turned me down
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
