Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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