he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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