wanna go halves on a baby?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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