he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Bring me that man meat
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
